Texting Myths That Are Keeping You Single—And What You Should Do Instead

In the digital age, texting has become an integral part of modern relationships. From flirting to scheduling dates, it’s an essential form of communication. But what happens when expectations around texting don’t align with reality? As we navigate the complexities of early-stage dating, it’s crucial to understand how texting affects relationships and how to manage our expectations. This article delves into the nuances of texting in dating, offering insight into how to approach the issue, set boundaries, and ultimately form stronger connections in our tech-saturated world.

The New Normal of Digital Communication

Before cell phones and messaging apps, relationships were built through face-to-face interactions, letters, or landline phone calls. These methods took time and effort but were meaningful in their own right. In the current age, texting has replaced many of these forms of communication. We now have the power to reach out to anyone, anywhere, at any time with just a few taps on our screens.

Texting is undeniably convenient—it allows us to maintain constant contact, make plans on the fly, and even express affection with a simple “good morning” message. However, this instant gratification comes with its own set of challenges. One of the most pressing issues for people dating today is managing the expectations around texting frequency and understanding how this digital communication affects relationships, especially in the early stages.

Expectations vs. Reality: How Much Should You Text?

When you’re first dating someone, it’s common to wonder how much texting is appropriate. Should you text every day, or is it okay to go a few days without hearing from them? The line between acceptable communication and overbearing texting can be blurry, leaving many feeling unsure about how often they should reach out. Texting every day is often considered a sign of interest, but that isn’t always the case.

Take Sabrina Zohar’s experience with her boyfriend, who she refers to as “tech guy” in her popular TikTok videos. When they first began dating, Zohar, a dating coach, was unsure about his level of interest because he barely texted her. Despite meeting on Hinge in 2022 and going on multiple dates, their communication was limited to texting every few days. This left Zohar wondering if he was really invested in the relationship. However, once she brought it up, his response changed her perspective.

“He set a boundary that I will never forget,” Zohar says. “He said, ‘Texting is not a sign of my disinterest. I work in tech. I stare at my screen for nine hours a day. I have no interest in having a digital relationship or talking endlessly with someone via text.’” This explanation gave Zohar clarity and helped her realize that texting doesn’t necessarily reflect someone’s level of interest in you.

The Takeaway: Everyone communicates differently, and texting isn’t the sole indicator of someone’s feelings. While some may want daily texts to feel secure, others prefer minimal texting, prioritizing in-person connections instead. Understanding and respecting these differences is key to avoiding unnecessary anxiety in the early stages of dating.

The Psychology Behind Texting Expectations

Why do so many people place such importance on texting in relationships? According to Traci Terrill, a licensed marriage and family therapist, our expectations around texting often stem from a deep-seated fear of rejection or abandonment. When we don’t receive a text back within the time frame we expect, it can trigger feelings of insecurity and uncertainty. We might ask ourselves, “Am I being rejected? Did they lose interest?”

In today’s world, where instant communication is the norm, waiting for a response can feel agonizing. We live in a constant state of connectivity, constantly seeing people online, posting updates, and interacting with others. This constant connection gives us a sense of immediate access to people’s lives. If someone doesn’t reply to a text in the time we’ve mentally designated as appropriate, it can feel like a rejection or even a slight.

However, Terrill stresses the importance of patience and space in dating. She encourages her clients to refrain from jumping to conclusions when they don’t receive an immediate reply. Instead, consider the other person’s circumstances. They could be busy at work, dealing with personal matters, or simply not the type to constantly engage in digital communication.

Navigating Different Texting Styles

In any relationship, it’s important to recognize that each person has their own communication style. While texting may be a convenient way to stay in touch, it’s not the only way people connect. Some may prefer phone calls, FaceTime sessions, or in-person meetings. Instead of assuming that a lack of frequent texting means disinterest, it’s crucial to ask and understand the other person’s preferences.

Matthew Brinkley, a licensed marriage and family therapist, recommends asking your crush how they prefer to communicate. “Are there any times when you think that I can call? Is there anything I can do to make it more comfortable for us to talk on the phone because I do want to get to know you beyond a text message?” These open and honest questions can help clarify the expectations for both people involved and avoid any unnecessary confusion.

By communicating openly about preferred texting and communication methods, you can ensure that both of your needs are met without pressure. It’s also essential to acknowledge that no one is obligated to respond to texts at any specific time. Everyone has their own schedule and boundaries, and respecting them is fundamental to creating a healthy dynamic in the relationship.

The Dangers of a “Textuationship”

In many cases, relationships that are based solely on texting can fall into the trap of what’s called a “textuationship.” This is a term used to describe a relationship where the primary mode of communication is texting, but it lacks depth and personal interaction. Texting often lacks the nuance of face-to-face communication, where tone, body language, and context play a major role in how messages are received.

In a textuationship, it’s easy for miscommunications to occur. Without being able to read facial expressions or hear the tone in a person’s voice, it’s easy to misinterpret a message. A simple, neutral message might be perceived as cold or distant, leading to unnecessary anxiety and confusion.

For this reason, Terrill believes it’s important to make sure that texting is just one part of the equation. “Texting is usually the first point of communication, but it shouldn’t be the only point of communication,” she explains. “There’s a real benefit to seeing the person face-to-face or at least talking on the phone to get a better sense of who they are.”

How to Handle Texting Anxiety

Texting anxiety is a common experience in modern dating. It can leave people constantly checking their phones, hoping for a reply, and feeling uncertain when the response doesn’t come as quickly as expected. So, how can you manage this anxiety without allowing it to affect your relationship?

Terrill offers a few strategies for reducing texting-related anxiety:

Don’t Overwhelm Your Crush: While it might be tempting to text them frequently, especially when you haven’t received a response, try not to overwhelm them with messages. If they haven’t responded yet, give them time and space. Constantly texting them may make them feel pressured, which could lead to them pulling away.
Be Authentic: In your texts, try to be yourself. Don’t overthink every message you send or worry about how your words will be perceived. Authentic communication will foster a more genuine connection.
Respect Boundaries: Understand that everyone has different communication styles. Some people may prefer texting every day, while others may only want to text occasionally. Respecting their boundaries, as well as your own, will help prevent unnecessary tension.

When to Consider Red Flags

While texting frequency shouldn’t be the sole determinant of interest, it’s important to look out for certain red flags in communication. For example, if someone consistently takes hours or even days to reply without acknowledging the delay, it could signal a lack of interest or respect. If they regularly leave you feeling anxious or insecure, it’s worth considering whether the relationship is meeting your emotional needs.

If you find yourself constantly feeling uncertain about where you stand, it might be time for an honest conversation. In some cases, a simple check-in can clarify expectations and help you both align on how you want to communicate moving forward.

The Importance of Consistency Over Frequency

Consistency is key in any relationship. It’s not about the number of texts you exchange, but rather the quality of the communication and the emotional consistency it reflects. Kevin Kasir, an L.A.-based life coach, emphasizes the importance of setting dates and spending quality time together. “Dates mean so much more than the constant reassurance that I think some people like from the frequent messaging,” Kasir explains. Spending time together in person (or via FaceTime) can allow for deeper conversations and a stronger bond than endless texting ever could.

Zohar, who is now living with her boyfriend, “tech guy,” also highlights the importance of consistency. “We want to have consistency,” she says. “That doesn’t mean that the person texts you at the same time every day, but it’s that you know that when you speak to this person, they’re the same version of who they are.”

Finding the Right Balance

Texting, like any form of communication, should be approached with balance. In early relationships, it’s easy to get caught up in the pressure of staying connected through constant messaging, but understanding that people have different communication styles and boundaries is crucial. Instead of focusing solely on how often someone texts you, consider the quality of the interaction and whether the connection feels mutual. Communication, both digital and in-person, is about finding a rhythm that works for both people involved—one that respects boundaries, fosters trust, and allows for growth in the relationship.

By approaching texting with patience, openness, and respect, you’ll set the foundation for a strong, healthy relationship that goes beyond the confines of your phone screen.

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